Drummer #2 was the absolute master of gaslighting. I keep a lot of emails – yes, even the really shitty exchanges I’ve had with boyfriends – and recently re-read a couple from Drummer #2. When I read his words, the shame felt nearly as intense as it did when I tried to break up with him for six months running in 2009. He worked hard on me to convince me that I was confused about what I was feeling. He was condescending and repeatedly told me that if I would just do things his way, I wouldn’t struggle so much. He told me that I wasn’t identifying my emotions correctly. It was exhausting. I was an emotional wreck. But just like this author, I finally got away, and I have never looked back and said, “Gee, maybe I should have stayed with him.”



You know when you have a lightbulb moment, when you read something, spit out your coffee and suddenly go WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT, THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE READING ABOUT MYSELF! Well, I just spat out my cof…

Source: Gaslighting

10 thoughts on “Gaslighting

  1. I have never been in a romantic relationship like this, but my mother and mother-in-law are masters at gaslighting. To be fair, my mom doesn’t do it anymore, but my mother-in-law does, and I can’t break up with her!

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    • I am glad to hear that your mother no longer behaves in this way, because this is all about power and manipulation, and it’s exhausting to be on the receiving end. Good luck with your mother-in-law!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks! My mother came to a point where she decided to get extensive counseling to deal with the effects of her own abusive upbringing and the problems in her marriage. Working through all that, and healing from it, resulted in her treating others better just as a sort of byproduct. Sadly, my mother-in-law will probably never get counseling, as she had a happy childhood and doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with her.

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      • That makes all the difference, doesn’t it? People who don’t want to work on themselves and continually try to be a better person are not who I want to spend my time with.

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  2. The gaslighting sucks. I am not required to substitute my opinion & perspective for anybody else’s.
    And when they say ‘You’re crazy’ or ‘You don’t see things straight’ – why do /they/ want to be with someone who is all messed up, then? They say all the ways their partner is ‘defective’ yet still want to be with them? That isn’t normal in itself.

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    • I completely agree. I think gaslighting is the ultimate power trip. I mean, it takes a certain amount of skill to convince your partner the sky is brown instead of blue, and that everyone else thinks it’s brown and you’re the crazy one.

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      • yes. My whole life I was gaslighted by my family of origin. They chose a very serious abuser over me, his victim. I became the perpetrator in the eyes of the family – for saying what happened, thereby ‘causing hurt’. I was also the ‘nutter’ of the family (identified patient). Just so much bullshit I was taught in order to preserve their facade, preserve their sanity. I still struggle to see the truth, every day. The logical evidence is mounting, but I don’t know if I’ll ever believe the truth of what happened in my heart. The gaslighting went on for too long. My core beliefs are built on lies.

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      • I am so sorry, Ro. It really does crush your spirit when you are treated that way by people you are supposed to believe support you and love you. I fully endorse your cutting of ties to them – that shit does not fly with me. I truly hope you have better days ahead with healthier people in your circle.

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