Georgia On My Mind

From my MySpace blogs, four years before I became really sick; seems forever ago:

Billy Bob and a Bottle of Red   3/2/06

I think the red hair is working!  The men at work now worship me; strangers on the street are offering me rides on their bicycle handle bars.  Okay, so maybe I bribe the guys at work with candy, and maybe the kid on the bike wasn’t much older than 20……but I knew my luck had to change!

Last weekend was a great weekend.  I got to do so many fun things that I feel like a normal person again – but check in with me at the end of May, which is the next time I’ll have an entire weekend off from Job #2.

I don’t think I could duplicate last Saturday if I tried.  Jen was kind enough to invite me to her co-workers’ double birthday parties at a house in BFE Queen Creek.  When I got there I only knew Jen and her husband; by the time we left, everybody was my friend!  But let me tell you about Billy Bob Thornton, because he was at the party too.  He’s Jen’s co-worker, nice southern gentleman, tall, older, a little bit goofy but very friendly – from Georgia, I think.

At a party, everyone plays musical chairs and rotates the people that they talk to.  So the first round was “Gosh, you got perty eyes.”  The second round was “Hey, you’re real intelligent, ain’tcha?”  By the third time I made it back around to him, I had sucked down my whole bottle of red wine I brought with me, plus some screaming blue pre-packaged jello shots that were lying around.  His next line was “Hey, let’s go snuggle on the couch!”  I had to break his heart and turn him down……but after about a half hour, I wandered back into the house and found him talking to Jen and her husband, where he was saying something to the effect of “It makes you just want to kiss someone” (referring to the Pat Benetar playing on the stereo, I think).  Then he looked up and saw me, and decided I was an angel sent to him for the very purpose of kissing him during a Pat Benetar song.  He kept trying to pull me on to his lap and he was smooching me all over, but the wine put me into slow motion and all I could get out was a “Hey!” or two.  Luckily Jen stayed there with us so I didn’t get completely molested.  He asked me for my phone number and I tried to give it to him, but midway through writing it I blanked it out.  I even told him I was giving him the wrong number.  I’m probably on his bitch list now.

So the main reason I went to the bash was to meet one of the birthday boys, but he ended up in the hot tub and then the bathroom with mostly naked women (and I wasn’t one of them – I made enough of a fool of myself trying to talk to the guy’s boss after the wine and three jello shots).  The only other action I got aside from Billy Bob was the owner of the house giving me an extra-long hug as we were leaving, and I just can’t get worked up about men who are married and have four kids.  🙂

I could say that Saturday was a no-pride night, but I actually remember at least 10 peoples’ names that I met that night – that’s pretty good, isn’t it? I didn’t throw up, didn’t pee my pants, didn’t break anything, left with my undies intact.

Missed Opportunities Brought To You By Creeptastic

This is another post from my MySpace days.

The Sick and the Dating:  The Weirdo in Mesa  4/17/07

Back in high school, I had a friend named Rachel who was a plus-sized girl that liked to wear trashy clothes.  She had bleach-fried hair, and wore those day-glo green colored contacts because she wanted her eyes to stand out.  One day we went down to a store on Hennepin Ave. (where all the hookers hang out, if you’re not familiar with Minneapolis) to visit a trashy outfit store, and a guy held the door open.  He said “There you go, Green Eyes” and she said “Oh, they’re not real” and he looked her up and down like she was his next meal and said “I bet the rest of you is”.  Thankfully, I didn’t get his attention – I certainly wasn’t going to pipe up that MY eyes were green naturally.  Sleazeball who hits on teenagers, get thee gone!

I’m telling you this story because I found these postings in the “Missed Opportunities” section of the free alternative paper, Phoenix New Times, and it reminded me of THAT GUY.  You know, the weirdo that you laugh with while he says something really disgusting and overt, and you’re planning your escape.  This is the same guy posting these ads.  They are all in Mesa, and he keeps imagining these hot encounters with random women.  Notice how his age changes.

Friday, March 9th – Circkle K main and greenfield mesa – 43 (Mesa)

you are a gorgeous gal driving a station wagon with 3 ribbons on the back! you buy Marlboro reds 100’s between 730 and 745 weekdays!! in am. You have gorgoeus auburn longer hair!! and great body!! I drive a white Ford ranger and parked next to you on this past thursday!! I get smokes too! could I get some fries to go with that SHAKE? hope you read this!! its an older wagon you drive! and you wear tight jeans!! hope you are there monday am! hit me back if you think your it

Location: Mesa
Poster’s age: 43


Thursday, March 22nd – circle K on lindsay and baseline Mon. 7 pm – 41 (Mesa)

you were driving a white blazer was at the pumps! you bought an 18 pak of Bud! and asked for a pack of THESES? I bought keystone lite! you have longer auburn hair and tight LEVIS!! that looked so goo around your hips!! no ring seen on your finger!! WOW!!!!

Location: Mesa
Poster’s age: 41


Thursday, April 5th – circle K at main and val-vista wed at 4;45 pm mesa – 38 (Mesa)

you were a gorgeous blonde coming in the store as I was leaving!! you held the door and I said thanks! you said anytime!! think u drive a red grand am! wow!! long legs and beautiful hair!!

Location: Mesa
Poster’s age: 38


Monday, April 9th – circle K on lindsay and baseline Mon. 7 pm – 38 (Mesa)

thanks for gettin back to me!! but your e-mail address does not work!! or the phone number!! please get bak to me

Location: Mesa
Poster’s age: 38


Monday, April 9th – circle k on main and val-vista last week 445 pm – 38 (Mesa)

hey get back to me!! you e-mailed me but yuor e-mila wont go thru!! nor the number you gave me! gorgoues blonde!! jengirl??

Location: Mesa
Poster’s age: 38


Sunday, April 15th – hot brunette at Macayos on fri nite in parkin lot – 38 (Mesa)

I was walkin out out with another couple and you were outside with a nother gal havin a smoke!! you said Where do I know you from!! you have a smokin body and great smile!! wished I would have stopped!

Location: Mesa
Poster’s age: 38


Okay, buddy, none of these chicks are writing back to you – at least not with legitimate phone numbers or e-mails – because they can smell a lunatic a mile away.  Are you stalking all of the Circle Ks in Mesa?  I knew there was a reason I didn’t like that city. Everything bad happens at Circle K. I remember that from my court reporting days.