This Ain’t No Cinderella Story

I’ve gotten pretty good at sleuthing things out. Sometimes I play dumb in case I think others want to reveal something to me that might be missing, but as far as looking around on the internet goes, I can hold my own.

One of the things I do is check up on exes. I do this for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s to know where they are so I don’t end up sharing space with them. I’m going to be going to a new doctor soon, and I know he’s in the same area as my ex (it’s very specific), so I did a little sleuthing. First his employer popped up. And then his property popped up. I was dating him while he was house hunting, so I knew about his house. He claimed his parents were moving with him. But, uh, wait a second, that’s not his mom’s name.

I looked up the other name on the deed. I looked at the date. I looked again. I searched a bunch of stuff, like his subdivision/tract, the deed info and history….did I mention I used to do title work?

The thing is, I save everything. I save texts, I save emails. I’m not wrong on my timeline. I dated this guy from 2008 to 2014, with a few breaks. I was always bothered by the fact that he refused to introduce me to his parents and his kids. At one point, his supposed ex-wife got my phone number and started stalking me. When it happened he assured me they were divorced and showed me paperwork, but now I have to go back to saying supposed because I can’t even trust divorce decrees.

He was actually supposed to meet my friends and family for my 40th birthday and college graduation in the summer of 2014. He made some lame-o excuse and didn’t show for my big party. We did see each other a few weeks later for dinner and bed gymnastics, and that was hilarious and sad; I actually got one of his hairs stuck in the back of my throat, which made me gag severely. That has never happened before. I was like a cat with a hairball. Eyes watering. Chest heaving. Scared. Gripping the carpet with my fingers. I can’t even remember how I actually got it out. And then that was the last time I saw him. He didn’t have the decency to tell me to my face that he was breaking up with me, he texted me some bullshit about how he had a tower around his heart that no one could get to. I was like what the fuck? This man-baby with a thumb dick can’t even be decent.

But now I know for real, this man-baby can’t even be decent. He was cheating on me the whole time. Or he was cheating on this other person the whole time. Or whatever. It doesn’t even matter. It’s so strange because all he could talk about was his (ex-wife? Wife?) screwing every man in sight and it ruined him and he was so scared of cheating. Turns out he was just scared of getting caught. It’s possible the wife was fine and he was the ho-bag. There goes the good guy image.

This is the problem with dating guys who are even semi-smart. It takes longer to catch them. I still do, but sometimes it’s years later and I can’t make them cry. The not-so-smart ones are much easier to catch, and faster to reveal.

I have major trust issues. Is it any wonder?

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