Time’s “Ten Things You Didn’t Know About Men, Backed By Research”

By Eric Barker (writes Barking Up the Wrong Tree.)

Scientific studies show:

— Being too rich and good-looking can actually hurt a man. Then again, marriage may be a bad deal for handsome guys.

— You can predict how many women a man has slept with by how funny he is.

— Yes, most TV commercials make men look like morons.

— Companies pay women more if a male CEO has a daughter.

— Poor and hungry men prefer heavier women. Rich and full guys like skinny girls.

— Attractive TV anchors make men unable to remember the news.

— What’s the chance that a man’s kids are not really his, biologically?

— Punching things does make men feel better.

— If men’s jobs didn’t affect their ability to attract women they’d be far less ambitious.

— Men fake orgasms too.

 

The first item that caught my eye was the second on the list, predicting how many women a guy has banged according to how funny he is. Testify! But what is harder to match up is the type of humor. I deeply value humor, but I’m a snob. I can’t watch The Simpsons or Family Guy. I just can’t. Even if the satire might be something I admire, I can’t relate to cartoons with moving mouths. I was cured of that by age 10.

Second item of note: Attractive TV anchors. I mean, we’ve all seen the “naked news” spots, right? Usually it’s the damn Russians putting porn stars in front of a camera. Apparently, they don’t have to be naked for dudes to lose their minds.

Third item of note: If men’s jobs didn’t affect their ability to attract women, they’d be far less ambitious. I know some guys who are there already. They are not currently camping out in my bed, nor will it be likely that they will. I have never gone around with the attitude of “I’m lazy” but I’ve heard so many men say that. More importantly, after they say it, they demonstrate it. I believe them, I have no grand illusions of changing them, and they need to stay far away from me.

I was hit up on OKCupid last night by the I’m-separated-but-probably-going-back-to-my-wife-and-kids guy. He got a new screen name.
Him: Still horny?
Me: You got a new screen name and you ghosted me. (I wanted to say, “No, fucker, I have a new hole in my ass, and not by choice.” This whole bedsore thing is really cramping my style.)
Him: I got fooled into giving my phone number out to women who live in Russia and the Philippines so I decided to start new
Did you meet someone
Me: Doesn’t matter if I did or not. No one wants to hear they are a consolation prize.
Him: just asking
Me: No you weren’t. You were trying to make a bootie call, I am just not picking up.
Him: sorry just asking

Oh, yes, he’s just so innocent! He disappeared after November and he thinks the best, most innocuous way to greet me is “Still horny?” No wonder he has only slept with 4 people in his 39 years. (I was number 4.) I sure hope his wife lets him come back home soon. I’m done raising him.

‘Scuse me, I’m off to find my poor and hungry guy, I hear they like big asses on their ladies.

 

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