The hot headline today from the Democrat side is that Joe Biden is considering running for president in 2020. Like a good, genial grandfather he says there’s lots of good folks out there, but with a wink and a smile full of those big, white choppers, you know he’s itching to beat everyone out and sit at the helm.

Dear Joe: Please don’t.

There are a lot of good potential candidates out there. I’m not going to name them. They need to step forward themselves and allow their backgrounds and experience to be vetted properly – and not by watching reruns of reality shows. Let’s just talk about you.

1. You are wholly inappropriate. You may be everyone’s friend, but you lead with your hands and your crotch, especially if women are anywhere in the vicinity. It makes me really uncomfortable to watch, and as much as the women you encounter want to keep their jobs, they are wondering how far they have to bend to get away from your shoulder massages and ear whispers while still maintaining their employment.

2. We are ready for a non-white, non-cis-hetero-male president. I’m tired of hearing about how much men “love” me while taking away everything valuable about humanity and everyone around me suffers. In addition, you may surround yourself with the best advisers, but you will constantly be apologizing because you will be playing catch-up because of something you have said to or about a group of citizens. (As a side note, if I could nominate Leslie Jones on principal alone, I would. And she would ride in to work every day on a unicorn.)

3. We are ready for younger generations to step up and problem solve. I appreciate your enthusiasm and vigor, but it’s time to unite the country with someone who bridges the gap between young and old.

Joe, you don’t have to be president. Your life does not lack meaning or purpose just because you didn’t reach that final chair. But don’t put yourself in the position for ridicule or derision, as I truly think that is what would happen. At some point someone is going to catch a woman doing a karate chop to your fingers for trying one too many times to massage her shoulders. Then what the fuck are you going to do?

Signed,
A Tree-Hugging Liberal