Stick It Where The Sun Don’t Shine

I rarely count myself lucky to have an alphabet of ailments, but this is one of those times – namely because I was offered the opportunity to try the Luxe Bidet Neo 185 in exchange for a fair and objective review for you, dear readers, through the Chronic Illness Bloggers network. As per the usual, please know that even though the product was a gift, all the opinions in this review are my own and I was in no way influenced by the company. I’m going to tell you that you can look away if you don’t poop, but since you and I both know you do, you might as well keep reading.

I B.S. you not, I suffer from some crazy IBS – irritable bowel syndrome. Sometimes I’m on a dead run from my bed to my toilet, which is a whole ten steps, because my bowels have decided they want to release the Kraken…again…for the fourth time in five hours. There are times when I have wished I could hose myself down after every episode. There are times toilet paper has felt like rows of shark teeth because I’m wiping my poor abused bottom for the umpteenth time. I think I responded within 30 seconds of this being offered to our group because I was wishing for it and it suddenly appeared.
2016-05-17 17.32.39

I am confident with putting mechanical stuff together, but not so much plumbing (though I did once take apart my kitchen sink in Phoenix). I talked my step-dad into installing this gadget when he was in town on babysitting duty with my mom for my nephews one weekend. We put a bucket under the water line after we turned off the water during the transition, which I strongly recommend you do as well. He asked me to note in the review that he wished that the part connecting the water lines was metal rather than plastic. In fact, this entire unit is plastic with the exception of the water line, probably to keep costs contained. It took him about 5-10 minutes to get everything set up correctly.
2016-05-17 14.16.06

Now for the good stuff! Wait, wait – I live in a really old building dating from approximately 1910, and who knows how old the toilet is (I didn’t look at the lid for a date), so just know that I thoroughly cleaned the toilet before photos. I take no responsibility for decades of filth and disrepair from previous tenants. It even looks like some half-wit tried to flush grout at some point, but there’s not much I can do about that. Onward ho.

When I told my step-dad that I would be including pictures with this review, he squealed with laughter. I think he was disappointed when I sternly said I wouldn’t be posting those pictures. But then he squealed again when we discussed the fact that the water was coming directly from the pipes without being heated first.

So here’s the logistics: I’ve included a copy of the card with the instructions because I had to read them a few times myself first before using the Luxe Bidet Neo 185. It can be a little intimidating to have something pressure washing an area that only a few boyfriends and GI doctors have had intimate knowledge of. After the first few tries, you shouldn’t need a queue card.
2016-05-17 17.33.19

Basically, the “second nozzle” in this scenario refers to whether or not you are a girl person and your parts are located in an area that would benefit from a nozzle that reaches forward further than the other one taking care of the brick layer.

For my first sit-down, I was a little scared. I knew that water would be chilly. There was a good chance my apartment neighbors would hear me whooping and hollering from the startling freeze-out of my back door. I’ve been trying to think of the best way of describing it, and all I can come up with is that it feels like someone is trying to suddenly and quickly stuff freezing cold cotton balls up my keister – maybe Lucille Ball or Carol Burnett were somehow acting out a skit with my hiney as the punchline?? All I can say is that you just need to rip the band-aid off and get through the initial try, because you’ll get used to it.

As far as the “second nozzle” and girlhood goes, I found that if I sit upright, it doesn’t do me much good. However, if I lean forward, then more of my bits get cleaned – but again, with the shockingly cold water.

Look, this does the job. I really have gotten away from using those demon “flushable” wipes. They have been deceptive with their marketing. Entire communities are becoming backed up because Charmin and Cottonelle and their knockoff competitors have created these heavily perfumed wipes that don’t actually disintegrate when they’re flushed; besides that, your parts don’t fare well with all of that perfume hanging out on your bits. I am trying not to be that person in my very old building who clogs up the pipes (though I have managed to collect everyone else’s hairballs in my sinks and tubs and plumbers have made numerous visits here). I have sent these wipes packing like ex-boyfriends that I have also grossly misjudged.

Back to the bidet. Here is what it looks like with the lid closed:
2016-05-17 14.15.54
The device is actually installed so it is attached between the bowl and the seat so it stays secured:
2016-05-17 14.16.38

As promised, I did not take pics of the bidet in action on my tushie, but I did take pics of the “nozzle cleaning” mode:
2016-05-17 14.18.09
(Where the bubbles appear in the bowl is where the water is shooting out of the water feed, presumably so the nozzles can have “debris” power washed out.)

If you are interested in purchasing this product, it is offered where anything in the universe is offered, on Amazon (and don’t forget to select your favorite charity through smile.amazon.com so that a certain percentage of your purchase is donated by the company every time): http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00P2XZDGG

You can also go directly to their website for any product information: http://luxebidet.com/

I have to say that I will be trying to hang onto this product for as long as I can.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Stick It Where The Sun Don’t Shine

  1. I haven’t been around because, well you know, I’ve been icky. I haven’t caught up but I am reading today’s post!!
    I didn’t know you were part of Chronic Illness Bloggers. cool.
    I’d love to get rid of the wipes….those horrible things that I can’t seem to find unscented anymore. ugh.
    I’m glad you talked about the cold water. That is something I was wondering about.
    Would I be able to handle that?

    You did a good job on your review!
    looking forward to catching up with you more.

    Like

    • Well, here’s the deal: I checked the prices, and you can get a bidet for about $15 USD more that uses warm water BUT you end up having to drill and run a warm water line presumably from the cabinet that holds your bathroom sink, if that’s your setup. I’m not sure about the logistics if you’ve got a free-standing basin in your apartment like I do, and drilling into a cabinet when you are renting vs. when you actually own your home is a completely different story.
      Besides the bidet, though, if you want to get away from the wipes because of the damage they cause, you could try keeping a small spray bottle of water near the toilet and spritz some toilet paper before you use it. I like Charmin Ultra Strong solely because it doesn’t disintegrate immediately expressly for this purpose but it still breaks down in the sewer system.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. great review!!!! I was too intimidated to rip off the band-aid. I agree on the plastic part & ultimately that’s also another reason why I was intimidated. But I heard that Lowes & Home Depot have a nonplastic equivalent of that part that you can get for cheap & use instead to make it more sturdy. I’m glad it’s working out!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks! There is an Ace Hardware two doors down in my quaint little neighborhood that probably has a good metal part too, so that might be something I purchase in the future. I thought some more about the warm water models, and the one that hooks directly into the warm water wouldn’t necessarily be a good purchase for me – only because 99% of time time I can’t get warm water in my apartment anyway (it sucks). The only place I get it the most reliably after running it for a few minutes is the tub. I actually keep a tea kettle on the stove to heat water to wash dishes.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Don’t stress. I’m not sure if you haven’t actually commented on my blog before, but it always waits for my approval the first time you comment. After that you have automatic permission to comment – they just want to make sure I know you’re not some random stranger danger. 🙂

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s